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Entertainment

Published on November 22nd, 2015 | by Flipside

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Tarantula Spider quits “I’m a Celebrity” over cruel and unusual treatment

Hours locked in box with Chris Eubank “Unbearable”

ITV’s popular reality show “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out Of here” has suffered a major blow with one of its major invertebrate stars pulling out before the end of the first week.  Whistling Tarantula, among the bookies’ favourites to win the show, stormed off the set after three traumatic days, culminating in a Bushtucker trial in which he was forced to endure four hours locked in a box with Chris Eubank.

“I knew it would be hard,” said Tarantula, “but he started reciting poetry.  Really bad poetry that he’d written himself.  I think he must have been scared.  It was utterly hideous.  I was banging on the door to be let out but no-one heard me!”

Two days earlier, Tarantula had survived two hours trapped inside Duncan Bannatyne’s sweaty underpants, along with two maggots and a tree frog.  “It was horrible, but we kept talking to each other and somehow made it through”.

Tarantula was further traumatised the following day when he chanced to witness Lady Colin Campbell undressing.  This, followed by his confinement with Eubank, proved to be too much.

“I’m an international megastar, goddammit!”, Tarantula was heard to rant as he stormed past presenters Ant and Beetle. “I’ve had my mating rituals narrated by David freakin’ Attenborough!  I don’t need you or your poncey little show!”    And with that he was gone.

Ironically, previous series of “I’m A Celebrity” have had the opposite problem, with criticism for the surreptitious toning down of certain Bushtucker Trials.  Most memorably, Land Crab was supposed to endure six hours trapped in an underground coffin, listening to Paul Burrell wittering on about how much he had meant to the late Princess Diana.  However, it later emerged that Burrell’s mouth had been taped shut during the trial, for fear of him causing permanent psychological damage to Crab.  There are now suggestions that producers have gone too far the other way.

Fellow invertebrates have expressed little sympathy for Tarantula.  “He knew what he was getting into,” said Black Widow.  “Hasn’t he seen the show?  Everyone knows that a few years back, three cockroaches had to have psychological counselling after hearing Peter Andre sing in the shower.  What did he expect?”

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