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Politics

Published on May 4th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Ted Cruz Drops Out of Presidential Race to Focus on Haunting the Dreams of Children

Former Republican presidential hopeful Ted Cruz, also known as Lyin’ Ted and the Zodiac Killer, has announced he is dropping out of the race, clearing the way for Donald Trump to have a go at ruining everything.

When asked for his reasons on dropping out, Cruz announced that while the unlikelihood of him getting the required number of delegates played a part, it had more to do with a yearning to return to the only hobby he ever really cared about: using his psychic abilities to enter the dreams of children, then scaring the living shit out of them once there.

‘I’m proud of my achievements as a senator, and proud of the sturdy but unsuccessful challenge I posed to Donald Trump. But sometimes, the soul calls out to you, and you just have to go back to your previous life as a dream-hopper, taking the form of the bogey man, evil Santa, decapitated Peppa Pig, or the scariest villain of all – Melty Face Ted Cruz – and providing children with the trust issues and deep-rooted psychological scars that will haunt them forever. In fact, I’m so warmed by the thought of returning to that job that I wonder why I was ever even a senator in the first place. It’s just not my calling in this life.’

Cruz’s wife was supportive of his decision, saying: ‘The kids haven’t been sleeping well without their absent father to haunt their dreams, so I’m looking forward to getting back the man I know and love, the man who wears a Jason mask every night when we go to bed.’

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