Published on February 16th, 2014 | by Flipside0
Terrorists ‘can’t be bothered’ to bomb Sochi
A crisis was averted at the opening ceremony of the 2014 Winter Olympics on Friday when a surprise terrorist attack was called off at the last minute because the terrorists “couldn’t be arsed.”
Flipside’s correspondent reports that the terrorist cell got all the way to the airport with a suitcase full of explosives before saying “meh” and going out for Nandos instead.
“We just didn’t think it was worth the effort,” said a spokes-bomber who wished to remain anonymous, “Planning a bomb strike takes a lot of time and money, you know, and to be honest Putin is already doing a pretty good job of inflicting terror on Sochi anyway.”
“I’ve been training for this all my life,” complained one of the disillusioned suicide bombers. “But the athletes’ village is such a state that our bomb would probably go unnoticed.”
When Flipside pointed out that they’d missed a chance to bomb attendees such as Princess Anne, the Chinese president and the general secretary of the UN, he shrugged and looked bored. “It’s not fun unless it’s Obama.”
“They only spent £38 billion on the opening ceremony as well,” continued his crony, “It would have been a right shame to bomb the athletes’ village when they hadn’t even installed the toilets yet.”
According to a spokesperson from the Kremlin, President Putin was unavailable for comment because he was out fighting Siberian tigers whilst wearing only a sweatband and trainers.
Meanwhile, intelligence reports suggest that terrorist organisations have set their sights on targets of greater cultural significance, including the film set for season nine of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.