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Published on January 20th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Theresa May Announces New Immigration Policies

In response to the petition to scrap the £35k threshold, Home Office Secretary Theresa May has released an alternative immigration plan in hopes to calm conservative and liberal dissent. Edinburgh Flipside had exclusive access to the Parliamentary document with a few notable excerpts listed below:

  • The income requirement for Tier I migrants has been reduced from £20k to four goats and their daughter’s hand in marriage.

  • The application papers have been replaced with an obstacle course.

  • The English Language Assessment test will be replaced by a full production of Alan Bennett’s The History Boys. Female Applicants are required to perform The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie.

  • All Tier II migrants must dance on command.

  • All Tier IV student migrants must stop complaining about the weather.

  • “Bring me the rebel scum. I want them alive” – Grand Moff Theresa.

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