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News

Published on September 9th, 2017 | by Flipside

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EUSA President banned from hugging Freshers after multiple injuries

An internal memo has leaked from EUSAs marketing department alleging that EUSA President Patrick ‘Theresa May’ Kilduff has been banned from hugging Freshers after accidentally crushing 17 in a row during a Presidential meet & greet.

“It’s a fucking PR nightmare” complained EUSA VPW Esther ‘Mad dog’ Dominy. Speaking off the record she said “I’ve worked to win £250,000 for mental health services in the university and now we’re having to divert that money for bloody chiropractors. According to our experts, if he hugs someone for more than 5.2 seconds there’s a 69% chance of death. I didn’t sign up for this shit!”.

Speaking exclusively to Flipside, Eusa head of Chiropractic Affairs Sarah Brown said “Its such a weird situation. He has all the political features of Theresa May and the huggability of Jeremy Corbyn. We’ve actually had to put bubble wrap around Vice President of Community Ollie Glick because we’re so scared that one of them will try and initiate a bro-hug and accidentally kill one another”.

Following the memo leak, we sent a reporter to talk to Kilduff about his bone-crushing antics but we never heard from them again.

We here at Flipside wish to pay tribute to our fallen comrade and have sent a fruit basket with a UoE hoody to their family.

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