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Science & Tech

Published on June 19th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Tim Peake Describes Encounter with “Face-Hugging” Alien

British astronaut Tim Peake, now returned safely to Earth, has described encountering what he described as some sort of overly-friendly, spider-like, face-hugging creature just before he left the ISS Space Station.

Peake said, “I was doing the morning rounds and I came across this pod. I thought to myself, ‘Hullo?! I’ve never seen this before’, so with my curiosity aroused I bent over it to have a peek inside. Before I knew it this mental thing sprung out of it and attached itself to my face knocking me out in the process! I think it was the lads playing a practical joke on me before I left… ARRRGGHHH! IVANS, YOU CRAZY! HA HA HA!!!!

“Anyway, I’m glad to be back home. I live in quite a densely populated area of London so having so many people around all of a sudden it will be a bit of a culture shock! It’s easy to go unnoticed in an area such as this! I plan to rest for the first couple of days. Ever since that joke with the spider-thing, I’ve had the sorest throat, I guess it’s from dehydration, and a bit of a sore chest…But nothing to worry about! In fact, a breath of fresh air, that’s what I need!”

Incubating Xenomorph Tom Hughes commented, “I mean personally I would’ve preferred to get inside Sigourney Weaver, wouldn’t we all, eh eh?! But hey, begging genetic alien experiments from human-deity-precursors can’t be choosing genetic alien experiments from human-deity-precursors, so here I am inside some wrinkly bloke from Sussex. Anyway, I’m just glad to given this opportunity to visit Britain and use the population as living hosts to breed millions of relatives. Especially if the Leave Campaign wins and immigration is tightened up…The red tape would be a nightmare!’

Major Peake finished, “My chest….it’s…. tightening…. *cough* *cough* *cough*….Urgh urgh urgh………………………………………..

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