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Commentary

Published on January 8th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Toddlers Hospitalised After Over-Exposure to Glorious Future Monarch

(In the image above Prince George can be seen pointing to the child he wants hanged).

Several toddlers were today in critical condition after spending too much time around the charm, ease and beauty of their new classmate, Prince George.

One child was so astounded by the gracefulness of his finger painting that she passed out on the spot (Prince George had finger-painted the words ‘I OWN YOU’ on the girl’s face). Several others lost consciousness at lunchtime, after George had demanded their entire lunches, in exchange for use of the blue and purple felt tips during morning colouring in, which he insisted were ‘Royal colours’ and ‘not intended for use by you sticky plebs’

Two other children had their ribcages bruised when, during afternoon nap-time, he literally slept on top two little girls, both of what the future monarch described as ‘ethnically dubious origin’.

Perhaps most troubling is what has been deemed the Morning Break Incident, or ‘BiscuitGate’. The future tiny eventual heir to the throne was tucking into some Duchy Original white chocolate, orange and macadamia nut cookies and a crustless foie-gras sandwich on multi-seed sourdough, with a side of organic double cream, brandy and a cigar. The other kids had to make do with a cup of orange squash and a digestive.

When Evan, another little boy, got jealous and made a move for one of George’s biscuits, the future monarch threw all his toys out the pram, spitting brandy in the boy’s face and stubbing his cigar out in Evan’s eye. Evan is in intensive care, but was quick to apologise to Prince George for the incident, saying: “I’m young, I’m foolish and I wanted a posh biscuit. But you shouldn’t steal, especially not from our infinitely kind and graceful Royal family. It has cost me my sight, and I’m disfigured forever, but it’s a lesson we all must learn. I am just grateful to George that I learnt it early.”

The head teacher of Westacre Montessori said the school was honoured to welcome such a delightful, cherubic little toddler to their ranks. Class 1A insists they are looking forward to tomorrow.

His parents, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, described themselves as being ‘so proud’.

 

 

 

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