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Published on December 5th, 2015 | by Flipside

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Top 10 Reasons To Start a War

War is fun, and that’s why mankind can’t get enough of it. Here are 10 great reasons to start a war!

1.     Oil

Oil is great for your health, and pretty expensive these days. Olive oil, coconut oil, and even avocado oil are rich in nutrients and bodylicious goodness. If your country has plentiful oil supplies, watch out – you might just be at war soon.

2.     Using Sick Weapons

Remember when you used to play video games, or toy soldiers or whatever, and you could use awesome weapons with no real-world consequences. War is like that, but the weapons are way better and people actually die – awesome! Launching airstrikes is basically just like a big, fun game of boules.

3.     Ignorance

Where would we be today without ignorance? Much worse off is the answer. A highly nuanced misunderstanding of a fragile situation is one of the best reasons to go to war, despite all evidence to the contrary, because the truth is Davey-C, you know best, and ‘the facts’ don’t change a goddam thing about that.

4.     Hubris

Ignorance’s rebellious older cousin. Hubris is a great reason to go to war, cause here’s the thing: you are the fucking man. Seriously, you are the man. You have huge balls and people need to know that. How will a country know that you’re a massive legend if you don’t make war at them? They won’t. It’s that simple.

5. Ideological Differences

Sometimes people have different ideas to you, but you have international trade agreements and shady deals with them, so it’s fine. Other times, people with pesky beliefs need to die at your hand, and that’s also fine.

6.  Morality

More often than not, war is the moral thing to do. If you don’t take ‘human rights’, ‘prosperity’, ‘peace’ and ‘not being a fucking moron’ into consideration, war is usually the right course of action. Some would argue war should be further employed across the board to solve any minor conflict, from who finished the milk in your fridge to which six-year-old did the better drawing of their family. Whatever the question, war is usually the best answer.

7.     For the Banter

Have you ever actually been to war? Top-notch bants is what it is. The stories, the drama, the camaraderie, all the bloody newspaper coverage! War is a magic time in everyone’s life. Trench-banter, bunker-banter, bomb-banter…the chat floweth forth like milk and honey in the Land of Canaan, is what I’m saying. Good times guys. Great fuckin’ times at war. Think about how all those dying Syrians will always remember our wonderful prime minister: ‘David Cameron: Banter King’

8.     Distraction

War is a fantastic source of distraction. Whether you’re bored, or if you just want to distract millions of people from a series of threatening and draconian policies your new government has passed despite basically no public support, by filling up the column inches with this sweet new WAR you’ve just started.

9.     Jeremy Corbyn HATES It

Come on, we all know King of Banter Davey Cam loves a good wind-up, and he probably knows that Jezza C hates war. I can just imagine Dave with the cabinet being like ‘Guys! You know what he’ll really hate. Yeah? Anyone? Haha exactly Gideon, good boy – let’s declare war on someone! Come on, it’ll be soooo jokes. He gonna be pissed

10.Because You Can

AND NO ONE CAN TAKE THAT AWAY FROM YOU! NOT EVEN THE BLOODY HIPPY LEFTIES!!

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