Published on November 28th, 2013 | by Flipside
Top Gear agrees to postpone nuclear ambitions at Geneva talks
BREAKING NEWS: First step taken towards peace among Sunday evening light entertainment shows
Diplomats in Geneva celebrated a major breakthrough today, as an historic agreement was reached for Top Gear to curb its nuclear ambitions in exchange for international aid. Top Gear Presenter and Dictator-For-Life Jeremy Clarkson spoke of his delight over the deal, rumoured to include a massive increase in his salary.
Tensions among Sunday evening TV shows have been high ever since the US-led invasion of The Antiques Roadshow, which ousted the Michael Aspel regime and installed Fiona Bruce as a pro-west puppet presenter. That programme had been named by George W. Bush, alongside Top Gear and Monarch of the Glen, in his “axis of TV shows that I don’t quite understand,” prompting fears that these too might be attacked.
From that point onwards, UN experts had become increasingly concerned about evidence that Top Gear was developing a new regular feature entitled ‘Star with a reasonably well-aimed nuclear warhead.’ Every week, they believed, a different celebrity would have come onto the show, selected their least favourite place in the world, and then attempted to wipe it from the map using a remote-controlled drone carrying a tactical nuke. Clarkson and his minions refused to respond to these claims, and repeatedly denied weapons inspectors access to scripts for the upcoming series.
Now, however, Clarkson has confirmed that no such feature will be in the next series, though nothing is ruled out for subsequent series of the program. Negotiations about that are said to be ongoing, and are rumoured to involve offers of access to US technology on nuclear powered cars.
Songs of Praise spoke for many programmes when they hailed the deal as a breakthrough for peace and diplomacy. However, hardline Countryfile presenter John Craven remained belligerent: “We’re keeping our stockpiles of cowpats and slurry aimed firmly at the Top Gear studio,” he said. “Just let them try something. Come on Clarkson, I dare you!”