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Published on October 5th, 2017 | by Flipside

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Tories Kill Satire at Party Conference

Satire died a long and painful death yesterday after Theresa May made her appearance at the Conservative Party Conference, with a speech littered with empty platitudes, little policy and much phlegm. “It’s taken a long time, but we’ve finally done it, we’ve finally killed satire!” claimed a buoyant cabinet minister who wishes to remain anonymous, “Our party has a long and proud history of farcical behaviour, but these last few days have brought a tear to my eye.”
This party conference will be remembered as an historic one. The oft-empty conference hall and the dullness of the speeches brought an almost monochrome atmosphere to the occasion, punctuated by boorish gaffes made by the Foreign Secretary and the sound of Conservative Party members waking up in bewilderment to see that they were being addressed by Bear Grylls. “It’s great to see that Bear has become a meme again!” boomed a slightly tipsy Kenneth Clarke to no one in particular.

One significant lowlight was Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond’s refusal to mention the economy, instead treating his audience to an experimental poem consisting of the words “Corbyn” and “Venezuela” repeated ad infinitum. Before taking to the stage he told Flipside that he had been working on the poem for weeks, and that his main influences were Allen Ginsberg and Ken Livingstone: “Listening to Ken say the word “Hitler” a thousand times was an experience I shall never forget”, Hammond said, “I can only hope that my speech has a similar reception.”

Home Secretary Amber Rudd told Flipside that the death of satire was “a team effort”, and that “Boris will want all the credit, but it must be said that his propensity to offend only got us so far. What really helped was the Prime Minister’s complete lack of authority, her choking, and a speech so free of content it could have been printed in The Tab.”

Rudd said that mediocre comic Simon Brodkin’s appearance on stage with the Prime Minister came as an “unexpected but welcome” surprise: “He looked arrogant, juvenile and at times desperate. These are values that the Conservative Party hold in extremely high regard. To look embarrassing next to her is an impressive feat.”
Walking time warp Jacob Rees-Mogg gave us the final word: “We are efficient at being inefficient, it must be said. I thought that this government would have to do something drastic like promote me to high office before the death of satire would ever take place.”

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