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Published on October 23rd, 2015 | by Flipside

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Traffic Cone Develops Stockholm Syndrome

A remarkable police investigation has uncovered that a traffic cone stolen from South Clerk Street last Thursday has developed Stockholm syndrome for its captor.

The traffic cone, which identifies as Orange Larry, was kidnapped by two second-year students at 1:54am outside of Chicken Club and taken back to their East Preston Street accommodation, because some people just can’t move too far away from Pollock Halls lest the gypsy’s curse be broken.

After 3 days of being worshipped on top of the washing machine, Orange Larry said they felt only infatuation for their second-year kidnappers.

“I was terrified at first,” stated the dishevelled traffic cone, “but I came to find something beautiful in the two students who took me.

“They showed me to their friends, they took photos of me, they adored me. And then, when one of them was out, the other wrapped me in a blanket and watched Orange is the New Black with me. He has so many Snapchats of that wonderful night. Out on the streets, I would have only been vomited on by some fresher who discovered absinthe.”

The two students have wished to remain anonymous and currently face trial for damage to public property and classic banter. However, Orange Larry has stated that, should the students be released, they hope that all three of them will go on a wild honeymoon to the South of France, in which the traffic cone will get tied up with bondage tape instead of the usual “blue and white shit the police use”.

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