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Politics

Published on September 25th, 2013 | by Flipside

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UKIP plans referendum on laws of physics

The UK Independence Party has gained political ground by promising to free Britain from the restrictions imposed by EU law. Now, the party has identified another set of laws that are holding back Britain, and is campaigning to scrap them.

“The laws of physics have been imposed on the British people for far too long”, said UKIP leader Nigel Farage. “It’s about time the people were consulted about whether we actually want them. Take gravity, for instance. Newton invented it back in the 1800s I think. But since then, no one’s reviewed it, or looked into whether it’s helping Britain or not. It certainly hasn’t helped anyone who’s fallen off a cliff, I can tell you. So maybe it’s time we repealed this outdated law, and replaced it with a more carefully thought out British Law of Gravity, that actually serves our needs. We could start by having an exemption for metal, so that cars could fly. Solve the congestion problem at a stroke, wouldn’t it? Why has no one else thought of this?”

Also under fire are the laws of thermodynamics, specifically the ones concerning heat absorption by carbon dioxide. “Instead of covering the countryside with windfarms, why not simply take away the rule that states that the air has to get warmer if you put more carbon dioxide into it?” said Farage. “Then when the lefties come bleating to us about climate change we could tell them unequivocally that British CO2 wasn’t to blame, and that if any humans are causing climate change – which we aren’t – then it’s down to Johnny Foreigner like all our other problems.”

Also in the firing line are Einstein’s laws of relativity. “They were invented by a German!” fumed Farage, “and then suddenly we had them over here too!  Did the British People get a say in the matter? The Hell we did. I’m not having any moustachioed German telling me I can’t travel faster than light in my weightless flying car. So we’re calling for an in-out referendum on all of the laws of physics. And the laws of mathematics. A few tweaks there and we’d soon clear our national debt.”

The other Westminster parties declined to comment on these plans.  We telephoned several members of the Scottish parliament inviting them to comment, but sadly none of them were willing to say “Ye cannae change the laws o’ physics!” in a comedy Scottish accent, even when we offered them money.

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