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Commentary

Published on September 25th, 2016 | by Flipside

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University Gets ‘Library Staffie’ As Part Of Wider Participation Program

In a bid to attract more applications from schools with low progression rates into higher education, the UoE has introduced a Staffordshire Terrier as the new student mascot around campus; filling the void left by the ‘disappearance’ of Library Cat.

One member of staff explained, ‘Well we realised we had a lot of people from high-income backgrounds; those educated privately, folk like that. And while we very much appreciate their £9,000 a year cha-ching, A lot of them are chinless wonders and bloody annoying. So we thought, there seem to be a lot of pasty-looking folk that wander the streets nearby, maybe they would like to give us £9,000 a year. Turns out they were all called ‘Scots’ and there’s a bloody government which will pay us to get them off of the streets!’

The employee continued, ‘But then we hit a stumbling block, not enough of them wanted to come. So we did some research and found a lot of them enjoy accessorising with muscular dogs. So we nipped down to the shelter and got a Rottweiler. Unfortunately, it humped a fresher who turned out to be 24th in line for the throne and then shat on the carpet. The fresher wasn’t a problem, if anything it seemed to remind him of his public school and helped him settle in, but we’d just had the carpet shampooed. So we got this lovely fella instead’

Commenting, the new ‘Library Staffie’ said, ‘I love tickles’.

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