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Published on October 19th, 2015 | by Flipside

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University Printers To Be Replaced by Money-thieving Goblins

In a controversial move by the University of Edinburgh’s student services department, all of the printers on campus are to be replaced by the Gringotts Goblins from Harry Potter.

‘We see think this will make our system more transparent,’ said the head of student services, Olive De Bois. ‘Replacing all of the money-stealing printers with the beady-eyed goblin bankers makes our intentions more clear. With a printer there’s the small sliver of hope you might get your readings printed. Now we can finally crush that hope by removing the printing option all together.’

This follows the even more controversial move of the library last year when they replaced the everyoneprint.ed system with the fuckyouandyouressay.ed system. When approached for comment, the GoblinPrint system responded ‘five pence please’ and then clawed at this reporters face.

EUSA has responded to the dearth of printing options by promising shorter queues for the Big Cheese.  Head of student relations told Flipside, ‘We really can’t do anything else.’

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