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Published on July 9th, 2013 | by Flipside

University rankings mean everything – Heriot-Watt study finds

HERIOT-WATT UNIVERSITY – A study has found that university ranking are totally determinant of university student’s future, and that absolutely everyone should listen to everything they say. The study, by Heriot-Watt University’s School of Funding Chasing, has found that university ranking tables actually possess godlike powers, and can manipulate reality to their will.

These findings come as Heriot-Watt Uinversity was ranked ahead of the University of Edinburgh in The Guardian’s University Guide 2014. The University of Edinburgh came in at 19th in the UK, compared to Heriot-Watt’s ranking of 18th, a significant improvement on its 27th place ranking in 2012.

A spokesperson from the University of Edinburgh’s Moray House of Education revealed that they had been working on a similar idea, and are convinced that Oxford and Cambridge have been rigging something using the league tables for years. This new revelation “advances our research into astronomical heights.”

Most university rankings are in newspapers, and those in newspapers are the only ones that are seen to exhibit the incredible powers. Clashing rankings tables are forced to fight it out, and the newspaper with the highest circulation wins. Indeed, the power of a newspaper is actually proportional to its mother newspaper’s circulation. This unfortunately, and ironically, leaves the Guardian’s league table totally useless, and Heriot-Watt still lesser than the University of Edinburgh. God bless The Times of London.

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