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Politics

Published on September 21st, 2013 | by Flipside

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USA to issue Deputy Badges to closest allies

WASHINGTON D.C, USA – Today, in an aggressive display of foreign policy, the United States Government has started issuing ‘Deputy Badges’ to its allies. The badges, according to Secretary of state John Kerry, will allow the United States’ allies to be better recognized and respected world-wide in the war on terror.

“We’ve had a tough couple of months; Syria, Egypt, the list goes on. The biggest obstacle we seem to be facing is lack of support from our allies. The British government, for example, declined to help us in a military strike against the Assad regime. We want our allies to feel secure in their positions as deputy world-police. So, to that end, we’ve developed an innovative badge system. This system will allow our Deputies full immunity from diplomatic red tape like The UN, NATO, and The Geneva Convention, whatever that is.”

When questioned on how the badge system was to be implemented, Secretary Kerry went on to say, “You see, there are several levels of deputisation. Our closest allies such as Britain, France and Germany (if Merkel will stop staring at me like that), who are most essential to our success, are Senior Deputies. Secondly, we have Assistant Deputies, allies who despite having the ability to help in full, we don’t necessarily trust or regard as equals. You know, like Russia, China and Pakistan.

“Finally, our allies who can help a great deal, but aren’t necessarily in the position to make or break our efforts are Lil’ Junior Deputies; countries like Spain, Italy, Mexico and Canada. We want to give them something to strive for while also politely saying, ‘Sorry kiddo, you’re just not big enough to play with the grown-ups yet.'”

 

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