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Entertainment

Published on August 25th, 2017 | by Flipside

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Fringe festival worse than Nuclear Holocaust claims Edinburgh local

In an expletive laden rant, an Edinburgh local Steve Scarrapucci has condemned all of humanity to the wastelands of nuclear winter following his struggles to deal with the crush of tourists visiting Edinburgh for the Fringe.

In an 8 and a half minute video posted yesterday on Youtube, the Edinburgh native exclaimed that “Just like the cockroaches that will survive the inevitable nuclear winter, so will the fucking tourists from London who will be still be asking if quiche is available at the nearest pop-up van”.

“I’m sure President Trump has a lot on his plate right now, but he’s never had to try walking through the Royal Mile while dodging the 32 Acapella groups who seem to all originate from Oxford. The sweet, warm embrace of Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un’s battery of nuclear missiles would be preferable to the sheer heat and tears from the thousands of flyerers who think they’re somehow contributing to the cultural zeitgeist by being paid in allegedly magic beans”.

“At least when it’s September and the students come back to study there won’t be any Londoners in Edinburgh”.

Although the video had only reached 700 views on Youtube The Student has hailed the video as a masterpiece of our times, worthy of a place in the Halls of Fame alongside such notable stars as Jonathan Pie and sneezing panda. Their comment piece lauding the video has reached the staggering heights of 4 likes and one laughing reaction.

When contacted by Flipside, a university spokesperson agreed to expel all members of The Student Newspaper from the university in order to reduce the risk of contaminating incoming Freshers.

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