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Local

Published on March 1st, 2018 | by Flipside

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Student who thought Edinburgh Uni couldn’t be any whiter proved wrong

With the Red Weather Warning placed over the central belt of Scotland, University of Edinburgh students were shocked to discover that the university, already one of the whitest places in the world, has become whiter than any thought possible because of the snow engulfing the university.

History of Art student Clarissa Jolene spoke to Flipside about this miracle. “I was just amazed. Edinburgh Uni is already pretty white but the snow proves that there are extra levels of whiteness that we are yet to discover! There must be a Guinness World Record for making something more pretty yet much more morally defunct at the same time.

The only thing whiter than Bristo Square right now are the North London Private school boys on the meadows wearing Canada Goose who claim they’re from the ghetto but actually went to private school in Islington.”

Speaking to Flipside, EUSA Diversity Tsar Sarah Brown said that “It’s not that difficult to believe that Edinburgh Uni is pretty white. Whenever the BBC does an article about the lack of racial diversity at university, they always use the same picture from an Edinburgh Uni graduation ceremony. However, we plan to combat this added whiteness by banning snowball fights. That should protect the snowflakes.”

A University spokesperson agreed with the prognosis that the snow was making Edinburgh Uni too white saying “The University of Edinburgh was shocked to discover how white the university was this morning and will be taking appropriate measures in order to make sure that this never happens again. We plan to dock an extra £20 million from the staff pension pot as a punishment and reinvest it in the Principal’s salary”.

Reporters from the Student Newspaper were too busy rating allergen-friendly dogs in their Pleasance-based pleasure-dungeon to notice the weather change.

 

 

 

 

 

Photo Creds: Jessica Nirkko

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