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Politics

Published on May 6th, 2016 | by Flipside

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Labour exceeds expectations with 3rd place

With all the votes counted in Scotland, Labour has announced that it has exceeded expectations with a pyrrhic 3rd place victory, that places them below the Scottish Conservatives and SNP, and just above the ‘Reform EUSA’ party, who claim that the referendum vote in March was rigged.

Speaking to Flipside, Scottish Labour leader Kezia Dugdale said “We’ve been planning this victory for a long time by trying to piss off as many people as possible. We promised to get rid of Trident, which not many people seemed to care about. Then we said that it was conceivable that Labour would campaign for independence. That seemed to piss a few people off, but when we suggested raising taxes, boy that really created an entirely new shitstorm”.

“For Scottish Labour, it’s always been the taking part that counts, and we feel as though that now more than ever, we really deserve a gold star”

In a series of failed interviews, Flipside tracked down Jeremy Corbyn to a falafel dungeon in North-West Islington. He refused to comment except to point out how shiny his new bike was and that the result wouldn’t really matter as Scotland wouldn’t exist in 3 months due to global warming.

Attempts to get a quote from Ruth Davidson on the matter failed miserably as she was halfway through chugging a beer keg while doing a handstand. Willie Rennie, the Scottish Lib Dem leader, when asked the Lib Dems’ future political prospects, screamed “WILLIE RENNIE” before waving his hands wildly in the air, like he just didn’t care.

Despite the Green Party’s attempts to be interviewed, we really couldn’t be arsed

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