Published on December 18th, 2015 | by Flipside0
World Gripped With Fear As ISIS Threaten To Release Star Wars Spoilers
Breaking News: In the early hours of the morning ISIS have issued a statement from Raqqah. It claims that they have all seen the new Star Wars film after watching it on Kevin’s MacBook Pro illegally (the monsters), thus they now have spoilers and are not afraid to use them. The world has been gripped with fear ever since.
“With millions still yet to see the film, this is without doubt one of the most serious things that has happened in the history of ever,” said one fan.
Worse still ISIS have now identified themselves as the Rebel Alliance, this is a dastardly move which makes the West the evil Empire. This cunning propaganda hasn’t phased British PM David Cameron, who seems very comfortable with the precursor of Sith Lord. Upon hearing the news George Osborne just laughed manically, it was weird. Then he put a hood over his head and muttered something about trade negotiations with the Senate. Probably off his tits on the coke again.
President Obama said he will do everything in his power to prevent the spoilers from being dropped and bring ISIS to justice. But said it in a cool way which made him seem both powerful and magnetic yet accessible and down to earth. Gonna miss you OB.
Donald Trump has vowed to use his Star Destroyers (not real) to rain terror down on ISIS until they back down on the issue. He also kept talking about a big wall and opened his mouth in an odd fashion. Seriously are we the only ones who think he may be quite genuinely insane. Not really a joke. I am concerned that someone with actual mental health problems may win the republican candidacy. I mean he told everyone not to listen to the obviously corrupt Mace Windu (we think he means Obama). That is satire today, but tomorrow he may actually say something like that, the man cannot be satirised without the chance that he might just go and do it in reality.
And everyone was afraid. More to follow.