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Commentary

Published on December 8th, 2016 | by Flipside

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‘Shag-Pods for All!’ Proclaims EUSA

EDINBURGH – After an astounding upset, EUSA has now approved £10,000 Sex Pods to be installed in the Central Library. The controversial motion was originally planned to create ‘student nap pods and rest areas’ but after a week of campaigning, chief organizer Marzipan Secondyear caved and redrafted the policy.

‘Yeah alright,’ he said to Flipside. ‘We don’t really need a nap area, we know it’s a petty luxury reserved for aristocrats. Really we’re just tired of getting handjobs between the Chinese literature stacks on the third floor.’ A waiting list for couples/groups has already appeared on EUSA’s website.

Absent from the motion was how this £30,000 expenditure (+ the hiring of a cleaner to bleach the plastic beds every half hour) will eat into the already underfunded counseling services. Marzipan replied, ‘I find a quickie in the library is  relaxing as three sessions of counseling. Don’t believe me? Just wait til you hear the moans of passion in the atrium! How’s that for well-being?’ Obviously erect, he abruptly called off the interview and went home.

This leads to questions like ´do we deserve democracy´ and ´who’s gonna be the first to fuck in the nap pods?’

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