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Local

Published on June 1st, 2017 | by Flipside

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University not willing to stop torturing students

In what was originally perceived as a monumental fuck-up, it has been revealed that the email sent out to graduating students informing them of their failure to graduate was not in fact an error, but a malicious attempt by the university to torture and upset students.

“Mhwhahahahaha you thought the stress was over?” said university spokesperson Cunty McCuntface. “We all get bored during the summer because we’ve got a whole bunch of coursework and exams to mark, so we decided this year to play a small prank that would hopefully induce as many anxiety attacks as possible. The stress will never leave you and we will do everything in our power to make sure that you never forget it. Your crippling debt is our bondage, and we shall haunt you forever!”.

The spokesperson then twirled their cape and rushed off into the night while cackling to themselves “Writing for The Student doesn’t count as work experience in the real world!”.

Following this, insider sources have since confirmed that the entirety of its server systems are being held together by a multipack of WD40 and Duct tape in the Hugh Rob basement, suggesting that the university doesn’t spend as much money on its tech as it fucking should.

Speaking to Flipside EUSA President Alec Edgecliffe-Johnson said “What people don’t realise is that Cunty McCuntface isn’t a real person, it’s in fact a metaphor for your life outside of university”.

Our Flipside reporter responded by kicking him in the balls and running away.

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