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Published on April 15th, 2016 | by Flipside

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“You Can’t Really Revise for English Exams” Claims Failing English Literature Student

A fourth year English Literature student – who is sitting on the boundary between a 2:2 and a 3rd class honours degree – has today announced to her flatmates that you “can’t really revise for English exams” in a desperate attempt to justify the lack of fight against her continuing slide towards academic failure.

Louise Tristram-McLentock, 22, is set to sit exams in Romantic Poetry and Censorship in the Court of Henry VIII in under two weeks time, but continues to insist that this is no cause for concern and that she has no chance to influence her performance.

“At the end of the day, you get what you get with English, it’s not like Chemistry or Biology where you can learn from a textbook” said Tristram-McLentock to flatmates yesterday, echoing a claim she had heard a friend make outside a GCSE exam at Cheltenham Ladies College, six years ago. “I really feel you’ve just got to go for it in the exam.”

When quizzed by friends as to whether she could jog her memory on a few quotations from primary texts, or maybe brush up on the relevant critical material or historical context, Tristram-McLentock luckily had a series of platitudes prepared, to maintain her self-assurance. “Yeah there’s just no right or wrong answer, it’s all very subjective” she replied.

The oft-repeated New Town adage, that sixth form was the peak of Tristram-McLentock’s life, is set to be confirmed on 10th June; her tragic fall from all A* A-Level pupil to washed up university catastrophe will finally be complete when she inevitably does not achieve honours.

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