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Commentary

Published on May 5th, 2016 | by Flipside

0

Zac Goldsmith Can’t Name a Single Sadiq Khan

In yet another embarrassing gaffe, Tory London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith, who is unable to hold a pint or understand the concept of milk, failed to name a single Sadiq Khan when quizzed this morning.

‘Oh gosh, let me think, erm…Is it Sadiq Khan and chill? No that’s not right is it, um, is it the name of a Bollywood film perhaps? Was he the chap who invented Currys? No not the dish, I mean the shop, I’m pretty sure it was founded by a man called Sadiq. They like electricity, don’t they…those people. No? Well I really am out of ideas. Oh! I know, of course I know who Sadiq Khan is – he scored the goal when England won the cricket world cup in 2003 didn’t he? Haha, of course, silly me, how could I forget that Sadiq Khan! A national hero, is what he is, and if he were alive today, instead of smiling down on us from Valhalla – that’s where his people go isn’t it? – I’m sure he’d be saying ‘Vote Zac Goldsmith for a better London,’ not that Labour whatshisname terrorist sympathiser’

Goldsmith’s other gaffes include claiming that Leicester City was a suburb of Bangladesh, saying that Adele’s album 25 was his favourite TV show and brutally murdering a series of cats in Croydon to sate his thirst for living flesh. Goldsmith says he usually only eats human flesh, with a preference for ‘anyone really, as long as they are mainly white,’ but decided to take a break during the election period to show his sensitive side, instead only mutilating and devouring beloved family pets.

Insiders in the Conservative party believe this is definitely a step in the right direction, especially if you knew what Boris Johnson gets up to every night.

 

 

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