Published on May 7th, 2016 | by Flipside0
Zac Goldsmith Returns to Ivory Palace to Cry Into Bowl of Caviar and Slaves
The results are in, and Sadiq Khan is the new mayor or London. While this is excellent news for Khan, London and the Labour party, it means heartbreak for Khan’s main rival, Tory candidate Zac Goldsmith. Goldsmith, who has no job to fall back on, will have to return to his palace of ivory and gold, his hot tub and multiple concubines, and will spend the rest of the evening weeping into a bowl of finest caviar, while an army of slaves attend to his every need.
‘I can’t believe it. I really thought I’d be drinking champagne tonight. I mean I am drinking champagne, but only Dom Perignon 1994, not the good stuff’ said Goldsmith, as a team of women began individually massaging each one of his toes. ‘I honestly thought I did enough to win. I spoke to people, I….I…I really wanted to win. That’s always been enough, and I’m frankly shocked it wasn’t this time rounf.’ Goldsmith slurred his final word, struggling to chew his Wagyu beef burger with lobster relish.
‘Honestly, I wish Sadiq all the best as mayor of London. I have the utmost respect for anyone who worked their way up in this world, and I think it’s a testament to his ethnic work – sorry, work ethic.’
Goldsmith has said he plans to take some time off from politics, and will spend the next few months at his Swiss chalet. Or maybe on the family Caribbean island, apparently it’s lovely this time of year.
Whatever happens, Goldsmith has promised he will land on his immaculately massaged feet, at some point in the summer of 2017.